Looping into darkness

The wordings in the song Dreaming by System of a Down, clearly explain the state I am in

I'm saying:
You
You went beyond
And you lost it all
Why did you go there?
From beyond you saw it all
Why did you go there?

She lost her mind
Someone kicked her into the back of the line
She lost her head

I'm thinking:
Dreaming of screaming
Someone kick me out of my mind
I hate these thoughts I can't deny
Dreaming of screaming
Someone kick me out of my mind
I hate these thoughts I can't deny

Without my knowledge, this has become a routine, it keeps looping in my life. Only A few know what I am talking about, what the exact case is. But the whole situation has left me confused. I cant end it coz I'm having fun, at the same time the misery rather confusion I'm in, is making me think otherwise. One thing I can say for sure though, I never thought so much about anything in my entire life.